Why You Overdosed
Lori Lynne Armstrong
Look now to the two tables at opposite corners of the café. Two women with hair beginning to gray sit with empty cups. A soft, unfelt breeze lifts and releases strands around their temples. They do not know each other; perhaps they will someday. Today it is only their mind’s voices that blend.
Why You Overdosed
Because I didn’t remember
to feed your goldfish when you forgot
you found it belly up
and you cried
Because I always fed your goldfish
kept all your pets alive
and you didn’t get the consequences
of your actions
Because I didn’t read to you
every night no matter what
I let fatigue win sometimes
your brain went unnourished
Because I read to you every night
but I read all the wrong books
or didn’t do the voices well enough
to make you love them
I know it was me
I know I must have failed
I brought you to this world
but I couldn’t keep you here
Because I wasn’t stern enough
let you get away with stuff
didn’t give enough chores
you learned no self-discipline
Because I was too rigid
made you work too hard
set standards that made you
ripe for rebellion
Because I was sick and depressed
fighting my own misery
and didn’t win often enough
to give you all you needed
Because I was healthy and vital
enjoying my life and my friends
and in these selfish pleasures
I must have neglected you
It must have been me
my love was defective
too weak to guard you
too dim to show the way
Because I followed the advice
of the red book on the store shelf
that said listen to us
or see your child suffer
Because I obeyed
the bright blue book beside it
that said do as we say
to prevent some dark fate
Because we were poor
(which was somehow my fault)
you struggled with school
while I worked full-time
Because we were rich
and I did homeschooling
was too involved
kept you too sheltered
I gave you bad genes
I made the wrong choices
if I’d just done better
you’d be here today
Because I threw you out at twenty
when you sold my laptop for drug money
tried the “tough love” thing
I was wrong
Because I let you stay
terrified you’d be on the streets
tried to be patient
I was wrong
Because I couldn’t pay for rehab
you had to go to cheap ones
and said they were disgusting
and you’d never stay
Because I paid for rehab
in nice places, again and again
sometimes you stayed
for a while anyway
Now trying to find
the reasons I failed
gives me something to do
in a life without you.
Why You Overdosed
Because I didn’t remember
to feed your goldfish when you forgot
you found it belly up
and you cried
Because I always fed your goldfish
kept all your pets alive
and you didn’t get the consequences
of your actions
Because I didn’t read to you
every night no matter what
I let fatigue win sometimes
your brain went unnourished
Because I read to you every night
but I read all the wrong books
or didn’t do the voices well enough
to make you love them
I know it was me
I know I must have failed
I brought you to this world
but I couldn’t keep you here
Because I wasn’t stern enough
let you get away with stuff
didn’t give enough chores
you learned no self-discipline
Because I was too rigid
made you work too hard
set standards that made you
ripe for rebellion
Because I was sick and depressed
fighting my own misery
and didn’t win often enough
to give you all you needed
Because I was healthy and vital
enjoying my life and my friends
and in these selfish pleasures
I must have neglected you
It must have been me
my love was defective
too weak to guard you
too dim to show the way
Because I followed the advice
of the red book on the store shelf
that said listen to us
or see your child suffer
Because I obeyed
the bright blue book beside it
that said do as we say
to prevent some dark fate
Because we were poor
(which was somehow my fault)
you struggled with school
while I worked full-time
Because we were rich
and I did homeschooling
was too involved
kept you too sheltered
I gave you bad genes
I made the wrong choices
if I’d just done better
you’d be here today
Because I threw you out at twenty
when you sold my laptop for drug money
tried the “tough love” thing
I was wrong
Because I let you stay
terrified you’d be on the streets
tried to be patient
I was wrong
Because I couldn’t pay for rehab
you had to go to cheap ones
and said they were disgusting
and you’d never stay
Because I paid for rehab
in nice places, again and again
sometimes you stayed
for a while anyway
Now trying to find
the reasons I failed
gives me something to do
in a life without you.
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Lori Lynne Armstrong writes poetry and prose from her experiences as a scientist, a mother, a counselor, a mental patient, and a drug addict. Her first book, the memoir Someday I Will Not Be Ashamed, will be available on Amazon in May of 2023. Her essays and news are available in her blog at lorilynnearmstrong.com.
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